Top 5 Worst Films I Didn’t See in 2011

I like terrible movies. They are often hilarious and so great to riff on with friends. But there are some films out there that are so terrible that I don’t even want to admit their existence. I can tell just from looking at them, just from their titles, that these films will be terrible and that if I saw them I would probably beg that I live in a completed sense-deprived existence throughout my life and afterlife without having to see or hear anything from these films.

These are those films I didn’t see in 2011, but I know are awful.

5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I’m surprised this film isn’t closer to being number 1, but with some of the rest of the films on this list I think you might be able to forgive me. Now, I absolutely hate the Transformers films. The first one made me so angry during the film that people refused to watch the second one with me because of how angry I got. I didn’t think the second one could be any worse but it turned out to be one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life. Thankfully, I get a feeling that maybe Transformers: Dark of the Moon might be better than the second one. Nonetheless, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it will be awful.

This film, as well as the rest of them, feature awful looking CGI, terrible acting, terrible characterisation and racial stereotypes. This I got for Dark of the Moon just from the trailers and hearing about a character called ‘Deep Wang’. Yeah, just let that set in for a minute.

Michael Bay: stop making these films. I’ve heard that there’s a possibility of more of them coming along but STOP IT! Seriously, I think you might just about piss everyone off so much that your films will never get seen again.

4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

I was excited for this movie when I heard about it originally. The plot sounds balls to the walls insane and for that, I felt, I would love it as much as New Moon, which is possibly one of the best comedies ever conceived. But yeah, that word: conceived... Ahem.

Turns out Bella and Edward have a kid, causing the film to talk about the ultra-serious manner of abortion. Twilight, that is to say TWILIGHT, is taking on the issue of abortion. I can only see this turning out horribly. The creators of the films and Stephenie Meyer herself are not qualified to do such a thing. This turns those films that I would happily laugh at for not understanding how people work into a film where I am horrified that it doesn’t understand how people work.

And if anything, it must be a shining pile of excrement if people who love the previous films, due to having no Y chromosome and being drawn in by shirtless men, say that this film wasn’t good.

3. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

This series demonstrates what I should have done with the Transformers movies: keep far, far away. I have so far refused to watch any of the films in this series and thank God I have. Chipwrecked just looks terrifyingly bad.

For one: why, Jason Lee? WHY?! I mean, I can forgive you being a Scientologist, it’s not your fault they suckered you in but this? Actually: these?! Apparently he’s been in all of them and I can’t understand why. The voices are annoying, the songs are not only ones I hate but also performed terribly, and every character looks like they are completely despicable. Who would want to see this?

Ah, wait, kids. Yeah, sorry, forgot this was meant to be a kid’s film. Surely I should let it slide for that! Well, no, no I will not. This looks horrible and I feel I am a better person for having never seen it, though watching the trailer was pushing it a little.

2. Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Another kid’s film that looks rubbish. I saw the first two as a kid and I think I might have liked them. Not that it really seems to matter if you saw any of those because this looks like it has nothing to do with them other than spies and kids. Oh, and the girl from the originals is there at some point, but I doubt she has anything to do with the plot.

But there are a variety of things wrong with how this film looks besides it looking like crap. We have terrible effects, kids who are both annoying and bad at acting, ‘spy-baby’, some awful looking robot dog (why, Ricky Gervais?) and time puns. But it gets worse.

See, this film was released in GLORIOUS 4D!!!! Which basically means you get a scratch and sniff card that, allegedly, does not work all the time, as well as quite a few of them just being farts. Yeah, that gimmick isn’t going to kick off any time soon.

1. The Smurfs

Well, I wasn’t really looking forward to this film when I saw it was going to come out. The time for the Smurfs is over. There’s no way we can bring them back, either in their previous setting or, God forbid, a new, funky modern setting. Or, say, New York. 

Yeah, this film just seems to fail at almost every point. Even in the trailer Neil Patrick Harris (WHY?! You can do better!) seems to make fun of the film as if to say “That’s right, movie-going audience. This is a huge pile of faeces and we know it!” 

The word ‘Smurf’ is surprisingly over-used in the trailer too, even for the Smurfs, almost to the point where it seems rude. In fact, if you do see this film try swapping the word ‘Smurf’ for any swear word and I bet you this film would turn into a 15 or 18 rated film within the first ten minutes. At least, that’s what I get from it.

The film just looks disastrously bad and any joke they tried to make fell flat with me. But it got worse for me. Something seemed off about the trailer so I watched it again. I noticed something: It includes elements of a lot of my most hated films of the year. I won’t say them here so as not to spoil them for my Worst Films of 2011 list, but we have small creatures playing Guitar Hero, small creatures which should be within green areas running around a city and Neil Patrick Harris in a bad film. Plus it reminds me of the Alvin and the Chipmunks films.

It just rubs me the wrong way. Plus, Harrison Ford ripped the head off a Smurf on Conan O'Brien.

Yeah, this film is probably awful.