Top 10 Worst Films of 2011

Well, the last list I put up of worst films had people getting annoyed at me for reviewing things that I have never seen. I’m pretty sure that list was not a review of anything, but instead me saying I didn’t want anything to do with those films. Well, here’s a list of more films I don’t like, but instead, this time, I’ve seen them. I’m leaving the best films for the next list, we need something happy to get over some of these films.

10. Mars Needs Moms

Everything in this film is freaky. Everything. Not just the martians, no, they at least look cartoony. It’s mostly the people who look freaky. It’s the uncanny valley problem. They look real but not real and it just makes you feel uneasy. This makes just watching the film difficult. Maybe it looked better in 3D, but I doubt it.

But on top of this the actual plot to the film is boring. It’s not terrible, really, it’s just really, really boring. Boring, dull, snoozefest. That’s the entire film. Nothing the characters did made me care. All of those incredibly annoying characters. Don’t get me wrong, if the voice actors were trying to make me hate them all then they did a great job.

Mars Needs Moms also defies physics and biology. I just couldn’t let that slide. Not sure why, I guess I was just picky with this one.

9. Gnomeo & Juliet

I’ll be honest, I was kind of looking forward to this film. Despite the terrible pun in the title, I thought the trailers made it look funny and maybe it could have been a good family film. I certainly went into it with higher reservations than Mars Needs Moms. With such an amazing voice cast I thought it would be passable at a bare minimum.

How wrong I was. This film is completely horrendous. There are two likeable characters in the film (Stephen Merchant and Jason Statham) but with such a wide cast these barely helped. Whilst the animation was fun the jokes were stale and were generally cringe-worthy. There was barely a single funny moment in this entire film and the film tried so hard to make us laugh.

It was upsetting to see this. I wanted to like this film and it is likely this film would not be on my list, but then it seemed to comment on the fact that this is how Romeo & Juliet should have ended like the film did: with a happy ending and a sing song. Sure, the film couldn’t have ended like Romeo & Juliet but the film goes out of its way to say that this is better. I just couldn’t stand that.

8. Your Highness

This film seemed to be going for a Mighty Boosh meets Monty Python and the Holy Grail vibe but completely failed. I love Danny McBride, James Franco and Natalie Portman but this film just showed them refusing to act. Their British accents were terrible and they couldn’t convey more than one emotion at a time.

On top of this the script was horrible. At no point did I laugh. It was extremely unfunny and seemed to be trying its hardest for jokes. Furthermore, the swearing does not fit the setting at all. It just created a massive disconnect between setting and dialogue. I will honestly be happy to never see this film again.

The only reason this film isn’t lower on the list is the fact that I just didn’t find it funny. I think I might not have got it, but it still seemed like it was terrible. Plus, it didn’t make me angry. Unlike the next film...

7. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

This is probably one of the best examples of how to destroy everything from the previous series: take a popular character and give him his own adventure. Well, Puss in Boots, surprisingly, doesn’t look too bad actually, but On Stranger Tides was annoying as hell.

I loved Jack Sparrow. Everyone did. But when he is the sole focus of the movie he just becomes... irritating. Extremely irritating, in fact. When he took the forefront there seemed to be no characters around him serious enough to make his kooky actions funny.

The plot was also terrible. A lot of people have a go at At World’s End but that was just boring, not stupid. This just seemed completely phones in and didn’t have enough likeable characters to push it on.

6. Battle: Los Angeles

This one I can get over with quickly: dull characters, dull plot, crap CGI, camera was too shaky, I didn’t care about anyone, the cinematography was awful and it was incredibly forgettable.

I wonder if the Asylum version was any better...

5. Almighty Thor

Speaking of the Asylum, look at this travesty. Whilst most don’t expect anything from the Asylum, I do believe they are capable of making good films. Such as Sherlock Holmes... That might be it, actually. Thing is, though, is that I don’t expect complete crap from them like I used to. They could have made this rip-off good. But it wasn’t.

Probably the worst thing about this film was that everybody was detestable. I hated everyone in that movie. I couldn’t care less if they anyone survived or not, or even if the hero or the villain survived. The acting is awful and this really doesn’t help with liking anyone.

One of the few saving graces of this film is that the effects were laughably awful. However, the plot is terrible and the characters are dull. Keep far away.

4. Hop

Hop is one of the worst Christmas films ever made. Yes, you may think this is a film about the Easter Bunny and was set in Easter and released in Easter has to do with Easter. But it doesn’t. It’s a Christmas film.

Let’s see: sleigh, check; operation run by millions to get presents to children, check; trying to a non-believing character to believe, check. Yeah, there are more elements, but I really don’t want to spend too much time on this film. Just be aware of one thing: Easter films will NEVER become a thing.

EB, the main character, is annoying. The guy with him is annoying. The only good things about this film are Hugh Laurie and a 4^th wall breaking joke near the end. Oh, and David Hasselhoff. He’s awesome no matter what.

3. Beastly

Well, this is the first film that I hate. No, not just hate, I detest. I wish to see this film, and the next two, get completely wiped off the face of this planet.

I love Beauty and the Beast, so of course this film interested me as it’s a modern retelling of that fairy tale. But of course I was disappointed. Turns out this film takes everything that was great about Beauty and the Beast and gets rid of it.

But this isn’t the big problem with the film. The biggest problem is the characters and the relations between them. The two leads have an impossibly contrived relationship which just makes you think the guy is an arsehole. In fact, he goes from ‘kind of a dick’ to ‘utterly despicable’. At no point is he charming or likeable, but the film pretty much tells us he is likeable, so we have to. Venessa Hudgens is just bland as hell.

Whilst Neil Patrick Harris could have helped improve this film, his talent was wasted and anything he did inject wouldn’t have saved this film. Especially the ending. Well, the next film has a disappointing ending but no likeable actors to try and save it.

2. Sucker Punch

Holy crap this film made me angry. This film just offended me in every way possible. It started off amazing. I was really into it for the first 5 or 10 minutes. The cinematography was great, the soundtrack was great and the style of storytelling was great. Then it all began to fall apart...

For the rest of this film I sat there wondering what any of the visuals had to do with anything. I have pondered this many times. And I have come to a conclusion: Zack Snyder wanted women to be dressed in sexy clothing but he wanted to get away with it, so tried his hand at making art.

That is all this film is. It’s just scantily clad women with bits of ‘plot’ in the middle. But none of it goes anywhere. It just seems like Zack Snyder had a few ideas for video games, but only came up with one scene for each, so put them together and made some shit up about a burlesque house and a mental asylum to tie it all together. It was a mess.

And then he has the balls to call it art. Well, let me be a little vulgar here: Fuck you, Snyder.

In almost every way a disappointment (apart from the opening of course, but this just made the rest of the film more disappointment) I thought this would be my most hated film for the entire year. I’m pretty angry just writing about it.

But then I watched:

1. Anuvahood

Anuvahood is possibly one of the worst excuses for a film to ever exist. At every single point in this film I was not happy. I couldn’t laugh. I liked one character in this entire dog turd and they even ruined him by making him a dick. The plot is non-existant. The acting is even less so. The directing was terrible.

I was just angry at this film. It gave me absolutely nothing to be happy about. I didn’t have high expectations going into this movie but even expecting it to be a pile of crap would be giving this film too much credit. I have no words to properly describe my rage at this film other than what I have already put. This film is detestable, despicable and is only outdone on unfunny humour by Freddy Got Fingered. And that’s only by a gnat’s wing! Don't see this film unless you want to lose hope in humanity.