Storm in a Teacup

ARGH!

AARGH!!

AAARRRGH!!!

Just looking at this game angers me. Okay, so that last picture wasn’t from the game on Steam, but instead iOS, where the game began its humble life. Ported straight out of the Apple App Store we have Storm in a Teacup, a cheap as hell (£2.99) downloadable title on Steam that is as cold and lifeless as Steve Jobs (NB: The views expressed within this review are not necessarily the views of the management). That’s right, this game may look cutesy as fuck, but that’s just a clever ruse. Storm in a Teacup may be one of the worst 2D platformers I have ever played.

But why is this? Well, for many reasons. The controls are so floaty that precise platforming is nearly impossible. A lot of the time the game requires precision, but of course it isn’t possible and so you will find yourself dying due to the controls as opposed to your own incompetence.

This is not, however, to say that the game is at all difficult or challenging. Levels would end before you even realise you started them as it mostly consists of just going to the left to the finish zone. There’s very little to do within the levels, though the game does try and throw into it as many tropes of 2D gaming as possible, such as puzzles (which are too simple to actually call puzzles) and even Space Invaders seems to make a cameo for a nice little 20 second level.

Actually, on the strand of thought regarding level length this game is stupidly short. The game’s 40 levels took me roughly an hour, probably less if I have bothered to pay attention most of the time. I found myself browsing other websites just so as not to play the game, so I would come back to it 10 minutes later and finish the level in less than a minute. Sure, the game has other challenge levels or bonus levels, but these are about as easy as the levels in the game itself, so really have no place being in another set. They are purely there to make it seem like the game has more content than it already does.

In doing so we find that the game is actually one massive copy and paste job. There are probably only about 10 levels in the game, the other 30 being the other 10 just with a spike or two dotted around. On top of that the challenge levels are just some of the normal levels with a few more spikes and enemies, which adds no real challenge. The game just exudes an aura of laziness.

And then we have the tone of the game. Remember earlier how I said it was soulless, despite looking so cutesy? Well, the cutesy look makes the game look fun, but as you play it you realise this is just a façade. The 30 second audio loop this game has sounds fun at first, but as the game continues you realise it is the only music in the entire game, which burns into your brain, removing all of your sensibilities and making you hate life and want to make the game physical, just so you can punch it. Plus it’s just annoying.

The game also makes you want to love it using subliminal messaging, with the words "I ♥ Storm" slapped onto the levels just about everywhere. And if the game wasn’t saccharine enough it has you collect blocks of sugar along the way. What do these do? Don’t know, it seems pretty inconsequential.

If you can’t tell, this game is simply awful. Everything about it is bad. At first it seems fun, but as it goes on you feel yourself slowly dying. An hour of this game (the whole game) slowly depletes your life force until you are a shallow husk of a person. The boat levels were okay, though...

Q.U.B.E.

Platform Reviewed: PC

Q.U.B.E. (or Quick Understanding of Block Extrusion) is an independent First Person puzzle game in which you must complete tasks within a testing facility. You do this by using a pair of gloves in order to move blocks to achieve your goals.

Sooner or later I’d have to mention Portal, so I may as get it done with now. The game looks and feels a lot like Portal. Now, some may call the game out on this, calling it a rip-off and the likes, but I do not. Personally, it feels more like the gaming is proudly showing its influences. I’m fine with it. I don’t really want to talk about the game in comparison with Portal. I want to look at the game on its own merits, so let’s speak no more of Portal.

The mechanics of this game work extremely well. You use your power gloves to extrude block from the walls. You do this in order to create platforms, move coloured balls into their respective pits or to make light shine on a sensor. The entire game uses these mechanics in increasingly complex ways to create a very effective, though slightly too sharp, difficulty curve. I have heard reports of some of the game’s physics being a bit screwy at times, however I never came across these and the entirety of the game worked perfectly on a physics level.

In regards to the difficulty curve I have to commend this game: no in-game tutorial. You get to grips with the controls and the world through experimentation and simply looking around you and it’s fun. It’s interesting. It’s engaging. You feel intelligent for figuring things out. If the game pummelled me with text boxes and such at the beginning of the game I feel I’d be thrown out of the experience, as I found myself to be getting quite engrossed in the game itself. It does well to introduce all of the new blocks and mechanics to you throughout. When you discover how to use each mechanic to its fullest it’s rewarding.

Sadly, some of the mechanics of this game aren’t quite up to scratch. The magnet puzzles. Oh, the magnet puzzles. It’s at this point when the difficulty curve goes from a bit steep to simply asymptotic. Q.U.B.E. touts them as the hardest in the game and they are, but this seems to be because they mostly revolve around blind luck. I spent ages attempting one puzzle, not sure how to do it when suddenly it seemed to solve itself.

Also, these magnet puzzles are hampered by a fair delay on use of the gloves, making precision a key issue in the game. Whilst I do think the puzzles worked extremely well they did often take a lot longer than expected as there seemed to be a noticeable delay between clicking and the gloves working. This resulted in me clicking manically until the gloves finally worked, but all too late.

There also seems to be some attempt at narrative in the game. The game takes away from the normal test chambers and goes into the deep underbelly of the facility (like some other games that I promised not to mention later on). Whilst one might expect to find out that something has gone on down here we aren’t really left with much. I wouldn’t have minded if this game was devoid of narrative, as it’s a pretty fun puzzle game, but the way in which it attempts it slightly makes me wonder what plans they had.

The narrative also runs into a wall when the ending comes around. The ending seems to linger for a while, waiting for you to have the eureka moment and figure out what the entire game was all about. But there is no eureka moment. All I ever thought was “Wow, I’m enjoying these puzzles.” The semblance of a plot that went nowhere took away from this slightly, which is disheartening as I was really enjoying the game and its evolving mechanics.

 

Despite this criticism, I loved this game. It was extremely fun and challenging. It didn’t frustrate too often, but when it did it was usually the frustration you would attribute to any regular puzzle game (except for the magnet puzzles, of course). There’s a lot of room for improvement and the game could be a bit longer (the game was about 3 hours long), but it was still a genuinely enjoyable game. It might not be entirely original, but it still does what it sets out to do with enough competence for you to put this issue aside.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

It’s been a while since I last watched Dream Warriors but I’m not sure that matters too much. Dream Warriors seemed to end with a lot of finality, what with Freddy being defeated in both the dream world and the real world. Surely he’s dead for sure? Well, no, he is not. There’s still more films for him to be in. *sigh*

OK, to the film’s credit Dream Master is pretty enjoyable. The irritation I have with it comes from the way that Freddy comes back. Some dog just pisses on where Freddy was buried, but in the dream world, and now he is back. Not sure why, or how, but that happened.

Now that’s out of the way I need to get on with the rest of the film. The film starts off with the surviving cast from Dream Warriors and Kristine seems to be haunted in her dreams with omens of Freddy’s return. Turns out she is right, because Freddy isn’t giving up that easily and he proceeds, over the next 20 minutes or so, to kill off the final three Elm Street kids. That’s right, they all die. But that’s okay because within this time we’ve been introduced to our new protagonist, Alice, who starts off weak, but ends up kicking arse as the film goes on.

When Kristine is about to die she pulls Alice into her dream and, somehow through dying, she gives Alice her power of pulling people into her dreams. This works to Freddy’s advantage as he uses Alice, a chronic daydreamer, to pull other kids into her dreams so he can kill them too because... I don’t know, he’s psycho. The rest of the film consists of Alice dragging people into her dreams and trying to get them out, but to no avail.

The plot is great. It introduces a new element and utilises Freddy’s powers over dreams in a way you wouldn’t think them to be used. You could tell that the people making this film were looking at all avenues of sleep and dreams to try and make the story fresh and they did just that.

On top of that we have a constant element of threat. I’d be lying if I said I could tell when the characters were in a dream before it became overly clear. This created an air of suspense over the rest of the film. We’re never sure when people will die or who they will be. Sometimes it’s a side character and sometimes it’s the main cast, we are never sure. This is great because it’s shocking when people get killed, especially as Alice is often able to witness the deaths but is powerless to stop Freddy.

Lastly, I’ll have to say that Freddy in this film is probably at his best so far. He is genuinely creepy but also an absolute laugh at times. Even during a scene of great horror he would say something or do something comedic and would make me laugh, and though I’d laugh I would not be taken out of the horror element of the film. Compared to the other films he is astounding and Englund’s performance is perfect. This is the Freddy I had heard about: sinister and creepy, yet funny.

Though I did really like this film and thought it was far better than the first two films I have to say that I did prefer Dream Warriors. That film explored the dream aspect a lot more than Dream Master, but this film gets a lot of credit for trying to expand upon Freddy’s powers over dreams, unlike in the first two films. Sadly, the main issue I had with this film was how Freddy was brought back. Nonetheless, it was a seriously good film and had some good moments.

Top 10 Best Films of 2011

Well, we’ve just got through all of those films which I just couldn’t stand. Now to move onto the films I just couldn’t help but love. These are the films that I thought to be the best of those released in 2011.

Now excuse me whilst I gush.

10. Source Code

This was probably the biggest surprise of the year for me. I just went into it thinking that it looked like it would turn out to be alright, but whilst watching it I realised it was amazing. Source Code turned out to be an extremely intelligent science fiction film which shows what we would do in order to save people we don’t even know.

Sure, at times it did seem like he was forced to do everything, but most of the time his actions seemed to be ultimately altruistic and, being one of the few people in the world who believes altruism can exist, I found this refreshing.

The only reason this film isn’t higher on the list is because the ending was a bit too cheerful and ‘Disney, but the film did do things that other films don’t do nowadays. In fact, just thinking about all of the slow reveals of this film still gets me excited. Source Code is definitely a film you should watch.

9. Paul

Earlier today I was talking about how The Big Bang Theory just gets geek humour and geek culture wrong. I know a lot of people love that show, but this is just my opinion. Paul, on the other hand, gets it all right.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are just hilarious in this film, and them being the British geek comedy icons it seems perfect that they should be in a film full of references from Star Wars to Aliens and even subtle references to things such as the comic series Invincible. And it all seems right. In addition to these references we also have a great plot with some pretty good twists and amazing acting.

If you like Spaced I’m almost certain you’d love this film. The humour is quite similar and somehow it actually worked when exporting it to the US.

 8. The Inbetweeners Movie

If you didn’t watch the series or if you just don’t like it I doubt you’d like this film. This film is filled with vulgar and sexual humour that only the Inbetweeners cast seems to be able to carry off. But that’s why I loved this film: I loved the series. I’m sure that maybe newcomers could watch the film because it actually does a good job to introduce the characters to the audience and give them a new story that doesn’t require complete knowledge of the series to understand.

Of course, loving the series doesn’t just make it a good film. The film is just funny as hell. Jokes come thick and fast and it’s great to see these social outcasts try and find love, or a quick shag, out in Greece. The acting is great and the script is perfect. I’m sure that if you wanted to see this film you already have. If you haven’t then give it a try, but it might not be to your tastes.

7. Cowboys & Aliens

I don’t get why this film was so badly reviewed. It might just be the premise of Western meets science fiction. Personally I loved the film. How couldn’t I? How couldn’t anyone?

This film is just fun from beginning to the end. It has a great cast, especially its leads Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford (who’s still got it, by the way), and they just make you care about the characters with their amazing acting. Not only this but we have interesting new aliens  with motives that we have to try and put together.

The film also utilises practical effects as well as CGI to make the film feel as real as possible and it does. You could honestly believe this took place. And of course the film is filled with tragedy, but also high points to create a complex story. Cowboys &Aliens is probably one of the best Westerns I’ve seen as well as one of the best science fiction movies.

6. True Grit

From a science fiction Western to a normal Western. True Grit was the only proper Western I watched this year, alongside Cowboys & Aliens and Rango. Whilst the former is one of the best Westerns I have ever seen, True Grit is the best Western I have ever seen. OK, to be fair, I haven’t seen many, but this film makes me want to see more.

The Coen Brothers continue to show that they are great at telling stories through both their characters and the visuals. You just have to look at some of the locations or people and know their story. True Grit was beautifully directed, but that wasn’t the thing that really made me love the film. It was the characterisations.

I cared about every single character. All of them. Even the side characters who had one scene. Everyone was acted so well and characterised perfectly. Hailee Steinfeld was perfect, Jeff Bridges was perfect, Matt Damon was perfect, Josh Brolin was perfect. Everyone.

5. Arthur Christmas

Aardman, you utter geniuses. You do it time and time again. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bad film from them and this is probably my favourite of theirs. Yes, I know, Chicken Run is great and Curse of the Were-Rabbit was amazing, but Arthur Christmas was just better. Never before has a film meant for kids, let alone for Christmas, made me laugh and emote as much as this film did. In fact, I was laughing so much I had to try and stop myself just so I could tell what was going on next.

It’s hard for me to explain what I love about this film other than it is completely hilarious. Of course, every time that I tell people to see this film I am met with a look of scepticism, but this film is an absolute treat and will, hopefully, become a Christmas classic.

Oh, and being British and seeing a Co-Op in a film is like seeing the Somerfield in Hot Fuzz.

4. X-Men: First Class

When I first saw the trailers to this film I wasn’t really that up for it. I didn’t think either the main actors looked like they would be either Professor X or Magneto. How wrong I was.

X-Men: First Class is probably one of the smartest superhero films out there. Less concerned with showing us a group of superheroes stopping a villain from destroying a city, First Class is more concerned with averting the entire Cuban Missile Crisis. Seeing as I already love Cold War history this just spoke to me in ways you couldn’t imagine. It deals with the entire situation with such grace and finesse that it is hard not to love it.

With this on top of all the 60s imagery and fun and likeable new characters it is safe to say that First Class is one of the best superhero movies out there. Though it might mess with the continuity of the films a little it still all works and comes out rather nicely to create one of the more intelligent films of the year.

3. Kung Fu Panda 2

What? So what if Kung Fu Panda 2 is so high on this list, if at all? I loved this film. It was just fun from the outset and has GARY FUCKING OLDMAN in it as the main villain. What isn’t to love?

Talking of Gary Oldman, his character of Shen is probably one of the most complex villains I have ever seen, he wants vengeance but also realises his actions are not right. He wants to do good, but is so stuck in his evil ways that he can’t help himself but continue. He shows weakness, but is still threatening. On top of this the ending is possibly one of my favourites in all of cinematic history. I discuss the ending in my review of the film, but I advise you watch Kung Fu Panda 2 yourself.

Oh, and the film starts with the genocide of an entire race. I’m so glad kids films have started to stop talking down to kids, because this really created a lot of dramatic tension and helped flesh out the main character, Po.

2. Black Swan

This film was just beautiful. It was fantastically directed, extremely well acted and had an amazing plot. I really don’t want to spoil the film for anyone because this is a film everyone should watch. You might think it doesn’t look like your cup of tea, but it is. 

I found myself loving every moment of this film and when it came to its ending I was overcome with emotion. I think that there will be people out there who will cry at how bittersweet it is. This film is a dramatic psychological thriller at its very best and it is probably close to absolute perfection.

However, I did have this as my number 1 film of 2011 for a long, long time. But what film knocked it off the gold medal spot? Well, I honestly think most people will be surprised and not agree with me, but I loved this film. It’s:

1.  The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

I was shocked recently to find out there a quite a few people who don’t like Tintin, but his adventures with Snowy, and sometimes Captain Haddock and Professor Calculus, were a big part of my childhood. I read the comics and watched the TV show. Actually, I own the TV show on DVD. I still love it. So when I heard there was a Tintin film coming out I couldn’t be any more excited. And look at those people working on it. Just look!

Turns out my excitement was totally justified, because this film is great. This is probably not only the greatest use of motion capture I’ve ever seen in a film but also the greatest use of 3D to build both atmosphere and have the pokey-out fun 3D offers. The film takes place all over the world on increasingly larger locations, going from a small street in Belgium to a chase scene involving cars, boats, running and riding on falling buildings. There’s a scene within the mind of Captain Haddock of a battle between pirates that is simply stunning and it isn’t just there to be pretty but serves a point in the plot. But this isn’t the best scene. The film ends by defeating the villain in a duel with cranes. You get that? A CRANE DUEL!

OK, I’m getting a bit out of hand there, but this film is just one of the greatest films out there. Not a minute of this beautiful film is wasted. Everything slots in perfectly. I know I have a bias towards it, but I care not. It is simply perfect and is just amazing. Watch it as soon as you can because it doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t like Tintin before, this film will give you a different view on him. This is just how an adventure film should be done. I... I just love this film.

Top 10 Worst Films of 2011

Well, the last list I put up of worst films had people getting annoyed at me for reviewing things that I have never seen. I’m pretty sure that list was not a review of anything, but instead me saying I didn’t want anything to do with those films. Well, here’s a list of more films I don’t like, but instead, this time, I’ve seen them. I’m leaving the best films for the next list, we need something happy to get over some of these films.

10. Mars Needs Moms

Everything in this film is freaky. Everything. Not just the martians, no, they at least look cartoony. It’s mostly the people who look freaky. It’s the uncanny valley problem. They look real but not real and it just makes you feel uneasy. This makes just watching the film difficult. Maybe it looked better in 3D, but I doubt it.

But on top of this the actual plot to the film is boring. It’s not terrible, really, it’s just really, really boring. Boring, dull, snoozefest. That’s the entire film. Nothing the characters did made me care. All of those incredibly annoying characters. Don’t get me wrong, if the voice actors were trying to make me hate them all then they did a great job.

Mars Needs Moms also defies physics and biology. I just couldn’t let that slide. Not sure why, I guess I was just picky with this one.

9. Gnomeo & Juliet

I’ll be honest, I was kind of looking forward to this film. Despite the terrible pun in the title, I thought the trailers made it look funny and maybe it could have been a good family film. I certainly went into it with higher reservations than Mars Needs Moms. With such an amazing voice cast I thought it would be passable at a bare minimum.

How wrong I was. This film is completely horrendous. There are two likeable characters in the film (Stephen Merchant and Jason Statham) but with such a wide cast these barely helped. Whilst the animation was fun the jokes were stale and were generally cringe-worthy. There was barely a single funny moment in this entire film and the film tried so hard to make us laugh.

It was upsetting to see this. I wanted to like this film and it is likely this film would not be on my list, but then it seemed to comment on the fact that this is how Romeo & Juliet should have ended like the film did: with a happy ending and a sing song. Sure, the film couldn’t have ended like Romeo & Juliet but the film goes out of its way to say that this is better. I just couldn’t stand that.

8. Your Highness

This film seemed to be going for a Mighty Boosh meets Monty Python and the Holy Grail vibe but completely failed. I love Danny McBride, James Franco and Natalie Portman but this film just showed them refusing to act. Their British accents were terrible and they couldn’t convey more than one emotion at a time.

On top of this the script was horrible. At no point did I laugh. It was extremely unfunny and seemed to be trying its hardest for jokes. Furthermore, the swearing does not fit the setting at all. It just created a massive disconnect between setting and dialogue. I will honestly be happy to never see this film again.

The only reason this film isn’t lower on the list is the fact that I just didn’t find it funny. I think I might not have got it, but it still seemed like it was terrible. Plus, it didn’t make me angry. Unlike the next film...

7. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

This is probably one of the best examples of how to destroy everything from the previous series: take a popular character and give him his own adventure. Well, Puss in Boots, surprisingly, doesn’t look too bad actually, but On Stranger Tides was annoying as hell.

I loved Jack Sparrow. Everyone did. But when he is the sole focus of the movie he just becomes... irritating. Extremely irritating, in fact. When he took the forefront there seemed to be no characters around him serious enough to make his kooky actions funny.

The plot was also terrible. A lot of people have a go at At World’s End but that was just boring, not stupid. This just seemed completely phones in and didn’t have enough likeable characters to push it on.

6. Battle: Los Angeles

This one I can get over with quickly: dull characters, dull plot, crap CGI, camera was too shaky, I didn’t care about anyone, the cinematography was awful and it was incredibly forgettable.

I wonder if the Asylum version was any better...

5. Almighty Thor

Speaking of the Asylum, look at this travesty. Whilst most don’t expect anything from the Asylum, I do believe they are capable of making good films. Such as Sherlock Holmes... That might be it, actually. Thing is, though, is that I don’t expect complete crap from them like I used to. They could have made this rip-off good. But it wasn’t.

Probably the worst thing about this film was that everybody was detestable. I hated everyone in that movie. I couldn’t care less if they anyone survived or not, or even if the hero or the villain survived. The acting is awful and this really doesn’t help with liking anyone.

One of the few saving graces of this film is that the effects were laughably awful. However, the plot is terrible and the characters are dull. Keep far away.

4. Hop

Hop is one of the worst Christmas films ever made. Yes, you may think this is a film about the Easter Bunny and was set in Easter and released in Easter has to do with Easter. But it doesn’t. It’s a Christmas film.

Let’s see: sleigh, check; operation run by millions to get presents to children, check; trying to a non-believing character to believe, check. Yeah, there are more elements, but I really don’t want to spend too much time on this film. Just be aware of one thing: Easter films will NEVER become a thing.

EB, the main character, is annoying. The guy with him is annoying. The only good things about this film are Hugh Laurie and a 4^th wall breaking joke near the end. Oh, and David Hasselhoff. He’s awesome no matter what.

3. Beastly

Well, this is the first film that I hate. No, not just hate, I detest. I wish to see this film, and the next two, get completely wiped off the face of this planet.

I love Beauty and the Beast, so of course this film interested me as it’s a modern retelling of that fairy tale. But of course I was disappointed. Turns out this film takes everything that was great about Beauty and the Beast and gets rid of it.

But this isn’t the big problem with the film. The biggest problem is the characters and the relations between them. The two leads have an impossibly contrived relationship which just makes you think the guy is an arsehole. In fact, he goes from ‘kind of a dick’ to ‘utterly despicable’. At no point is he charming or likeable, but the film pretty much tells us he is likeable, so we have to. Venessa Hudgens is just bland as hell.

Whilst Neil Patrick Harris could have helped improve this film, his talent was wasted and anything he did inject wouldn’t have saved this film. Especially the ending. Well, the next film has a disappointing ending but no likeable actors to try and save it.

2. Sucker Punch

Holy crap this film made me angry. This film just offended me in every way possible. It started off amazing. I was really into it for the first 5 or 10 minutes. The cinematography was great, the soundtrack was great and the style of storytelling was great. Then it all began to fall apart...

For the rest of this film I sat there wondering what any of the visuals had to do with anything. I have pondered this many times. And I have come to a conclusion: Zack Snyder wanted women to be dressed in sexy clothing but he wanted to get away with it, so tried his hand at making art.

That is all this film is. It’s just scantily clad women with bits of ‘plot’ in the middle. But none of it goes anywhere. It just seems like Zack Snyder had a few ideas for video games, but only came up with one scene for each, so put them together and made some shit up about a burlesque house and a mental asylum to tie it all together. It was a mess.

And then he has the balls to call it art. Well, let me be a little vulgar here: Fuck you, Snyder.

In almost every way a disappointment (apart from the opening of course, but this just made the rest of the film more disappointment) I thought this would be my most hated film for the entire year. I’m pretty angry just writing about it.

But then I watched:

1. Anuvahood

Anuvahood is possibly one of the worst excuses for a film to ever exist. At every single point in this film I was not happy. I couldn’t laugh. I liked one character in this entire dog turd and they even ruined him by making him a dick. The plot is non-existant. The acting is even less so. The directing was terrible.

I was just angry at this film. It gave me absolutely nothing to be happy about. I didn’t have high expectations going into this movie but even expecting it to be a pile of crap would be giving this film too much credit. I have no words to properly describe my rage at this film other than what I have already put. This film is detestable, despicable and is only outdone on unfunny humour by Freddy Got Fingered. And that’s only by a gnat’s wing! Don't see this film unless you want to lose hope in humanity.