Storm in a Teacup

ARGH!

AARGH!!

AAARRRGH!!!

Just looking at this game angers me. Okay, so that last picture wasn’t from the game on Steam, but instead iOS, where the game began its humble life. Ported straight out of the Apple App Store we have Storm in a Teacup, a cheap as hell (£2.99) downloadable title on Steam that is as cold and lifeless as Steve Jobs (NB: The views expressed within this review are not necessarily the views of the management). That’s right, this game may look cutesy as fuck, but that’s just a clever ruse. Storm in a Teacup may be one of the worst 2D platformers I have ever played.

But why is this? Well, for many reasons. The controls are so floaty that precise platforming is nearly impossible. A lot of the time the game requires precision, but of course it isn’t possible and so you will find yourself dying due to the controls as opposed to your own incompetence.

This is not, however, to say that the game is at all difficult or challenging. Levels would end before you even realise you started them as it mostly consists of just going to the left to the finish zone. There’s very little to do within the levels, though the game does try and throw into it as many tropes of 2D gaming as possible, such as puzzles (which are too simple to actually call puzzles) and even Space Invaders seems to make a cameo for a nice little 20 second level.

Actually, on the strand of thought regarding level length this game is stupidly short. The game’s 40 levels took me roughly an hour, probably less if I have bothered to pay attention most of the time. I found myself browsing other websites just so as not to play the game, so I would come back to it 10 minutes later and finish the level in less than a minute. Sure, the game has other challenge levels or bonus levels, but these are about as easy as the levels in the game itself, so really have no place being in another set. They are purely there to make it seem like the game has more content than it already does.

In doing so we find that the game is actually one massive copy and paste job. There are probably only about 10 levels in the game, the other 30 being the other 10 just with a spike or two dotted around. On top of that the challenge levels are just some of the normal levels with a few more spikes and enemies, which adds no real challenge. The game just exudes an aura of laziness.

And then we have the tone of the game. Remember earlier how I said it was soulless, despite looking so cutesy? Well, the cutesy look makes the game look fun, but as you play it you realise this is just a façade. The 30 second audio loop this game has sounds fun at first, but as the game continues you realise it is the only music in the entire game, which burns into your brain, removing all of your sensibilities and making you hate life and want to make the game physical, just so you can punch it. Plus it’s just annoying.

The game also makes you want to love it using subliminal messaging, with the words "I ♥ Storm" slapped onto the levels just about everywhere. And if the game wasn’t saccharine enough it has you collect blocks of sugar along the way. What do these do? Don’t know, it seems pretty inconsequential.

If you can’t tell, this game is simply awful. Everything about it is bad. At first it seems fun, but as it goes on you feel yourself slowly dying. An hour of this game (the whole game) slowly depletes your life force until you are a shallow husk of a person. The boat levels were okay, though...