E3 2012: Thoughts and Feelings – Ubisoft

Let me start of by saying this: Aisha Tyler is the worst person on Earth. That’s quite a thing to say, yes, but I’m being honest. I swear she takes joy in ruining fun, even more so than clowns do. She presented the Ubisoft press conference and she ruined every second of it. Not to say that the content was good, but my God was she terrible. She over-sexualised everything and told awful jokes. When she says “Let’s play a game: how many times does Aisha get girl wood?” my heart sinks and I go for the knife. This is probably the worst conference so far. There was also some Toby guy who was trying to be funny but I don’t know who he is nor do I think he was funny. (UPDATE: Ah, Tobuscus. I have seen him before, actually. Yeah, I've never thought he was funny.)

In other words, this conference was terribly presented. But what about the content?

Dancing

What?

Singing

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Just Dance 4

Oh, the conference started with a song and dance (literally) about Just Dance 4. I don’t think I could tell you what the game has done to improve upon the previous games, but, like Usher, they decided to concentrate more so on the celebrity. So, yeah, can’t talk to much about this one.

Aisha Tyler

Aisha (talking about the dancing girls): “We’re all a bit gay.”

Fuck off, Aisha!

Far Cry 3

So, this all started off with sexualisation. Well, Far Cry 3 should continue with this. In an attempt to show how mature games have got we see gratuitous tits and swearing. EDGY! The game did look quite pretty and I can imagine it’s pretty similar to Far Cry 2 (it looked like it). Oh, apart from these hallucination sequences that were just a confusing mess. Not much was really shown about this game, but it does seem to have stealth elements and highly scripted sequences.

Oh, and you can shoot tigers. Cool, I guess.

Splinter Cell: Blacklist

Nothing was shown here apart from a trailer. Microsoft showed more. The trailer did seem to show that the game loses its stealth element for action, which is a shame, really.

Marvel Avengers: Battle for Earth

A trailer was shown, but bugger me if I can tell you what the game’s about.

Rayman Legends

Well, this was finally something interesting. Rayman is going to be on the Wii U. It was nice to finally see a game on the Wii U, and it appeared to make some very good use of the touch screen. It even used motion control, but it was almost exactly like the controls used for New Super Mario Bros. Wii, so is nothing particularly new.

One thing that did annoy me is that Rayman Origins had a very interesting 2D design to it, but Rayman Legends used a somewhat 3D look for some of the characters. This just didn’t mesh with the overall design, in my eyes, and ruined the style that made Origins so pleasing to the eyes. There was some amazing sound design though in a musically themed level.

ZombiU

Shit name, but it’s somewhat refreshing to see a game set in the UK. They only showed a trailer with annoying music, but it might be something to keep your eyes on if you’re into killing zombies (you are).

Wii U

Nothing was really shown here other than titles. Rabbids Land, Your Shape Evolved, Sports Connection, Just Dance 4 and Assassin’s Creed III are all available on the Wii U. No gameplay shown, so nothing to talk about. But wait, what was that last one?

Assassin’s Creed III

Holy crap, gameplay! RUN!

Well, from what I can tell from the gameplay we are still slaughtering only British people because the Americans totally weren’t outsiders. Nope. Apparently not. Hunting seems to be an interesting dynamic, but there did seem to be a thinly veiled QTE in there somewhere.

Movement seems pretty competent, with tree based movement looking wonderful, dynamic movement in the snow and environment seeming a big part of the movement. However, this was never part of stealth, because the gameplay showed no stealth. This is a shame, as that seems to be something that would work well if going through the woods to slaughter all the British.

Okay, okay, the Ubisoft people have said Americans will also be targets, but everything so far seems so anti-British. I know this is always harped on by us Brits, but all I want is some neutrality, really. That’s was the series has always incorporated, but this seems so... agenda based.

Shootmania

What the fuck was this? I cannot tell you anything about this game other than it looks like Quake. The gameplay was shown in a tournament style setting, like what you might get at Blizzcon. But they introduced so much comedy!

“HURR DURR GURLZ VS BOIZ!!!” Aisha proclaims. Because that’s funny.

I think video gaming is dead.

Watch Dogs

Wait, an interesting IP? A new IP? Bloody hell, I might just die.

It’s set in a somewhat generic cyberpunk world where everyone is connected to the network. The gameplay shows and open world like GTA but with on-the-fly hacking a la the new Syndicate or even Mindjack (but done well). The game seems gritty, dark (in a good way) and seems to have a living and thriving world.

Shooting looks competent, the world looks pretty and the voice acting good. The conference wasn’t worth this, but my God am I looking forward to this game. Keep your eyes on this one, it might be a new hit.

Ending Thoughts

Ugh.